The Last Thing, The Biggest Thing

My life has been absolutely falling apart and I want to put my hands over my eyes and shake my head shouting “No! No! No!” It all feels way too hard and I just want to be through the pain and out on the other side, looking back at all that I’ve learned. But here I am, continuing to slog through because I’m still in the unraveling, still in the lessons. Boo.

My health is not good and my doctors have given me orders to change how I live my life. I need to put my health first for the first time in a four decade life, three decades of which have been characterized by illness that has been as ignored as possible. I know what I need to do: do regular yoga, eat healthfully, rest, be outside. I’d like to start seeing a functional medicine doctor. But the money. . .

Part of putting my health first at this point means leaving my full-time job and finding ways to relax. This freaks me out largely because so much of my identity is wrapped up in my self as a working person, and in this job in particular. And the money. . .

My marriage is ending. Seven years of knowing one another, five years married, four years parenting more kids than we can handle. I am raw and gutted, full of doubt and fear and loneliness. Worried I’m walking away from something that is good because I want something better when maybe nothing better exists. Worried about how it will affect my kids. Worried about how we will co-parent as the separation starts to sink in. And the money. . .

I feel like I should be in a mental institution. No, really. Depression, anxiety, panic. There is what is falling apart in my life. And there is the fact that the three things above do not mention what is going on in the world and how I feel called to help in at least one of the many pockets (like my own backyard) where people are desperate because of racism and poverty and sexism and politics. My body feels slammed daily by the news or the comments on the news I see on Facebook. My mind constantly races and I try to stop the spinning to take a deep breath and figure out how to keep it moving. When all the messages I’m receiving are shouting it won’t keep moving like this anymore girl. It’s time to build a new train and some new tracks.

The last thing I want to focus on is money and how to manage it. The biggest worry I have is money. So interesting.

The Lola Retreat, which we all plan to write about sometime soon, was the origin story for this blog. And the place where I was surprised to find myself asking “Could my way to alignment with my true self, my true values, be through learning how to save and spend my money?”

It can’t be. Can it?

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